Buffet of Life

"Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death." — Auntie Mame

As I sit in this quarantine I've been doing a lot of soul searching, or as I like to call it, having a conversation with my inner self. My conversations are about my past, my inner voices bringing me down and why do I listen. And lately I've been really feeling this shift in my being, my soul. This yearning, hunger for more and to be free of the negativity.

You see, I used to be this free person, happy, goofy, fun loving and somewhere along the way it all disappeared. I don't know when exactly it was but I can see now when it started.

Every now and then I see a glimmer of my old self —she's in there, but she's hidden. I keep asking myself why do I hide? And then the voices start, my inner dialog which is the voice of my past, those who have abused me and those I let abuse me. And I say "let", because I did, I wanted to believe I was wrong or maybe it was in my head, I was crazy. I was told that so often I really believed it that I was crazy.

I was told I was many things through my life, fat, lazy, crazy, flibbidy gibbity, a flake, a bitch, heartless, soulless, ungrateful, I will never amount to anything. Don't do this, don't say that, you will make me look bad, don't wear this you look like crap, you look old, fix this, fix that. These have really stuck with me, ingrained in my DNA throughout my life, fully truly believed in it. I was always trying to make myself be what others wanted of me, I became that bitch, that flake, I always put people before my feelings. But why? Why did I care so much?

I still don't know what I was thinking. Deep down I really don't give a rat's bum what people think of me — and then whamo it hit me. I was searching for approval, yearning for it in everyone because I didn't receive it growing up. The father figure was, well yeah, let's not go there and my mother was always working. So I realized that the main inner voice sounded a lot like my father and everything he used to tell me.

And I thought why the heck is he still in my head. I'm an adult why do I care now? And then that's when I noticed he wasn't alone in there, there was my abusive ex-husband, old friends, family and the list went on. That's when I saw my old self in the corner fighting to stop them. Yep, she was indeed there. And that's when I started to crack at my wall.

All this started about the time I got the news my father had passed. I felt this ray of light, this warmth and this strength inside of me. He's gone. I didn't cry, I felt relieved. I didn't have to worry about him hurting me and my family anymore. And that's when the clarity started. REALLY started. And like a flash, I noticed I started arguing with the voices and one by one they are starting to disappear.

So during this time of reflection and growth I'm getting this yearning, this hunger to do more to show more. I'm slowly feeling like I'm getting myself back. One step at a time. But what does this have to do with Auntie Mame you ask?

"Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death." — Auntie Mame

This quote resonates with me and it's funny because the first time I saw Auntie Mame was about the time I was starting to lose myself completely. I really didn't understand it, until now. You have to live your life, be free, don't care about what anyone thinks, says or does. Just live don't be on the outside looking in.  Live in the moment.  LIVE, LIVE, LIVE!!!

And that my friends is what I am doing, albeit in the house right now but I'm living. I'm becoming my old self or should I say reintroducing her back into my circle. I'm working hard on the shop and bring more of me to you and most importantly I'm having fun with my kids, making goofy videos, singing goofy songs and making goofy memories that will last a life time.

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  • Cyndi on

    Can I just say that I adore this woman you’ve been hiding? I’ve seen glimpses of her, too, and whatever she did to deserve the punishment, she has most definitely served her time. Let her out so we can embrace her with you!

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